I grew up in a traditional Vietnamese family where physical discipline was sometimes used. I would receive an occasional spanking or slapping when I misbehaved. By no means would I consider this abuse and don’t hold any resentment toward my parents; however, I do feel that the threat of physical discipline had an impact on my relationship with them. Growing up, I was closed off and not as candid with my parents as I would have liked. Now that I’m a father of two children, I  want to create an environment where my kids feel free to express themselves and can be open and honest with me. I prefer to use alternative methods of discipline that do not involve physical punishment.

Research shows that physical punishment has been linked to negative effects on children’s cognitive, behavioral, social, and emotional development. A large study involving over 160,000 children found that physical punishment can increase the risk of physical abuse and can have negative outcomes, including mental health problems, lower cognitive ability, lower self-esteem, more aggression, more antisocial behavior, and negative relationships with parents. Other research has found that stress from physical punishment can negatively impact brain development in children. It is also important to note that physical discipline can easily and unintentionally escalate to abuse.

Physical punishment during childhood can have negative effects that last into adulthood. Harsh physical punishment, such as smacking, shoving, and pushing, has been linked to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and antisocial behaviors in adulthood, similar to the effects of child abuse. Other research has found connections between physical punishment in childhood and intimate partner violence as an adult, as well as an increased risk of physical abuse.

So, other than beating my child what is the alternative to get them to behave?

Age matters when disciplining a child. Here’s a guideline for disciplining young children of different ages:

• Babies (0-1 year): At this age, babies are not yet capable of understanding rules or recognizing when they have misbehaved. Instead of trying to discipline a baby, it is important to focus on establishing routines and providing a safe, loving, and nurturing environment.

• Toddlers (1-3 years): Toddlers are beginning to test limits and may engage in challenging behaviors. It is important to set clear boundaries and use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior.

• Preschoolers (3-5 years): Preschoolers are becoming more independent and may need more structure and clear rules to follow. It is important to use positive reinforcement and logical consequences to teach them right from wrong.

• School-aged children (5-12 years): School-aged children are more able to understand the consequences of their actions and can benefit from more logical consequences. Encourage good behavior with positive reinforcement and set clear limits and rules. It is also important to allow children to take responsibility for their actions and to give them opportunities to make decisions and solve problems on their own.

Here are 23 strategies that will give you a head start on disciplining your young child.

1. Set clear expectations and boundaries. Make sure your children know what behavior is expected of them.
2. Be a role model. Children do as you do so if you want to encourage them to do something then you do it too.
3. Show them how you feel. Use the “I” statement like: “I don’t like it when you scratch me”. This helps them see things from your perspective.
4. Catch them being good. children remember criticism more than encouragement so overdo the positive to get the balance right. A good rule of thumb is 6 positives for every negative.
5. Active listening. Children want to be heard so repeat to them what you think they are saying.
6. Keep promises. Doing this will build trust.
7. Reduce temptation. Children naturally want to explore so keeping dangerous items out of their reach will minimize the risk of accidents and so forth.
8. Use logical consequences. When children misbehave, try to come up with a consequence that is related to the misbehavior and that will teach them a lesson.
9. Choose your battles. You don’t have to win every battle, give them some breathing space and only emphasize points that really matter.
10. Avoid whining. We train them to whine by giving in at the last minute. Hold your ground and they’ll come around.
11. Keep it simple and positive. When giving instructions use a simple and positive statement.
12. Responsibilities and consequences. As children mature, start with small responsibilities that have consequences and increase over time.
13. Make them feel important. They need to feel that they are a central member of the family too. Giving them a few challenges and choirs will help develop a feeling of self-worth.
14. Transition time. Give them an advanced warning to let it sync in, like: “we are leaving the playground in 5 minutes.”
15. Prepare for challenging situations. Let children know ahead of time what to expect to avoid tantrums, like: “we are going to the store but you can’t buy any toys.”
16. Keep a sense of humor but minimize the teasing. A sense of humor can diffuse a situation but teasing may aggravate it.
17. Offer some choices. Children like to exercise some control.
18. Put boring responsibilities on the way to something fun. If you feel you will struggle to get them to do something, set them up on a path to do something fun in the end.
19. Incentivize. Decide on how to encourage or reward your child for being helpful but try to avoid incentivizing with food or sweets as an incentive as that can complicate things.
20. Keep calm. It’s important to stay calm and not let your emotions get the best of you when disciplining them.
21. Use family rules. Using rules that apply to the entire family such as keeping our voices down in public is a good way to keep order and hold everyone accountable.
22. Encourage your child to express their emotions. Helping your child to understand and express their emotions in a healthy way can help to prevent misbehavior.
23. Patience is a virtue. Being patient will give children the time and support they need to learn and grow.

Try these out and let me know which ones work for you.